The sun rises over a scenic mountain vista. Dramatic music rises in the back ground as a regal figure cuts a silhouette on the screen. This tall and tanned (real tan not that fake accelerator crap that turns you orange) vision of virility comes into sharp focus as he walks down the street of an unassuming mid-western town glad handing with the adults and kissing babies. The music fades and the dialogue track begins…
“I was born the son of poor sharecroppers. I grew up in a town the size of a postage stamp. I went to school in a one room school house with a drain for a toilet and no running water yet I earned admission into Yale, or Harvard, or some damn Ivy League school…hell I can’t remember. I studied at Oxford yet fought in every military conflict since Korea. I’ve won enough medals to make a spittoon. I’ve fought for the little people and kissed the butt of corporate America. While in Congress, or was it the Senate, or as Governor…hell, I don’t remember…I strengthened the economy, cut taxes, overthrew a tyrannical despot, discovered the cure for AIDS and cancer, won the Cold War, won the Hiesman Trophy, and won the hearts and minds of Americans as well as people the world over. My opponent is a baby killer, a war monger, bad dresser, stupid, inept, indecisive, and is responsible for everything bad from crap television to the tornado that just wiped out yet another trailer park. I, on the other hand, am beyond reproach. When I take a dump I poop Tiffany cuff links. My burps are sonnets and my farts sound like the angel’s chorus. My very essence exudes manliness and beatific wisdom. If I’m elected the world will worship at my feet and clamor to drink my bath water. If you elect my opponent the bowels of Hell will open and man kind will meet its doom.
I’m *insert name here*
There you have it…THE definitive and universal political ad that you’ll never see.
