I'm so going to Hell

Thing Christ might have said during his last moments on earth…

"Pontius Pilat is an asshole! If I ever get down from here and after my hands heal I'm gonna beat that dego’s ass!"

"Shit that whip stings!"

"Could somebody help me carry this damn thing?!'

"That Jesus Barrabas is a lucky bastard. Mother fucker better go buy a lottery ticket while his luck holds."

"What does a Roman tire do when it goes flat? Wap wap wap."

"Hey you down there, with the spear, I've got this itch here on my rib...YEEOUCH! Dumbass!"

"Man those crows are gonna dig your eyes out. Me? I'm not worried, being the son of God and all."

"Boy, one gust of wind on my loin cloth and those in the front row will get a glimpse of little Jesus and his two disciples."

“If only I’d hooked up with Mary Magdaline when I had the chance.”

“Times like this when I wish my father wasn’t such a big shot.”

“This crown itches something fierce.”

“What’s a stigmata?”

“Boy, you think the King of Kings would get a little more respect.”

“I sure hope you bloodthirsty savages know how to tread water. Can you say deluge?”

“Why was I born in a barn? Because Mary & Joseph had Medicare.”

“Shit, not another nail.”

“Judas, you Benedict Arnold!”

“Hey you, two travelers, how do you get to Jerusalem?”

“I was framed! It was the man on the grassy knoll.”

“Boy, you Romans are sure gonna get it. It’ll take a while but you are so going down.”

“How’s this for irony, I’m Jewish and my people don’t even believe in me. What’s a messiah to do?”

"It'll be weeks before I can eat M&M's again."