Ahhh, another spring, another baseball season. The Colorado Rockies are mired in last place and all is right with the world. Without a doubt Coors field has become the Siberia of Major League Baseball. And Todd Helton is baseball’s Andrei Sakharov.
The Rockies haven’t finished over .500 since 2000 and haven’t been within ten games of a playoff birth since ’96. All the while Todd Helton has racked up a gaudy .338 average, 252 HR’s, 845 RBI’s, a .613 slugging percentage, and has won three Gold Glove Awards. In ’04 Helton became just the third player ever to hit at least .315, 25 HR’s, and 95 RBI’s in seven consecutive years. The only others to ever accomplish this were Lou Gehrig and Babe Ruth. All this from Peyton Manning’s under study at Tennessee.
Now I realize the thin air of Coors Canaveral inflates batting numbers by up to ten percent but that doesn’t eliminate the fact that Helton has been the best 1B in the game for the last seven years. Even if you project his stats for sea-level type production he would still have a career .304 BA, 227 HR’s, and 761 RBI’s. Not to mention the three Gold Gloves.
Helton is also one of the classiest athletes in sports. The bogus steroid accusations aside, Helton has been gracious towards the fans and the media. He has a number of charitable causes and has won numerous humanitarian awards in both Colorado and his native Tennessee.
The five-time All Star is the corner stone of an otherwise floundering franchise. The Rockies have all the direction of a cork in a bath tub. What was once a proud team with one of the steadiest fan bases in the league has turned into one of the worst franchises in professional sports as its only bone fide star wallows away in the gulag that is Coors Field. It really is a shame that one of the top five ball parks in the majors now houses the Mile High version of the Bad News Bears. And one of the true ambassadors of the game is doing his penance in baseball’s Purgatory.
Such was the plight of Andrei Sakharov. The Soviet dissident was exiled in Gorky for seven years before he was allowed to travel freely throughout the former Soviet Union. In 1975 Sakharov won the Nobel Peace Prize for his untiring struggle for human rights in one of the most oppressive regimes in recorded history.
In this respect Helton and Sakharov are kindred spirits. Both were stuck in no win environments and both struggled for their cause. Sakharov fought for freedom. Helton fights for hits, wins, and hopefully that World Series ring he so richly deserves.
In case you missed this the first time around
The world’s largest retailer, Wal-Mart, is opening separate outlets in Hawaii and Mexico. While the construction of yet more Wal-Mart stores is hardly news these days what makes these two unique is the location. On Wednesday, October 13 another Wal-Mart opened in Honolulu amidst protests from dozens of locals. The retail giant has apparently built its newest and largest Hawaiian outlet on a burial plot containing forty unfortunate deceased souls. As a gesture of good will and incredible perversity Wal-Mart exhumed the bodies and is storing them in refrigerated trailers waiting for permission from the Hawaiian State Government to re-inter the remains on site. Can anyone say ewwwwwww? In an equally creepy and violative move Wal-Mart intends to open another super-store just feet from one of ancient Mexico’s largest and most sacred ruins in Teotihuacán, a major archeological site outside Mexico City. Predictably the opening of the newest Mexico based Wal-Mart has drawn the ire of local activists bent on putting a halt to construction of the store. In fact a small pre-Hispanic altar was found buried at the construction site. Plans call for preserving the small structure under Plexiglas in what will be the store's parking lot
Ah yes, I can just envision a Wal-Mart in the middle of Arlington National Cemetery or Fort Logan National Cemetery where my grandfather lies in rest. Imagine my grandmother’s glee as Sam Walton hands her the urn containing her dead husband’s ashes and says, “It’s in the name of progress ma’am.” Picture if you will running into Casper-the-not-so-friendly-and-quite-frankly-pissed-off-ghost as you rummage through the house wares department. Casper says, “Boy if only they had Tupper-ware when I died I wouldn’t be in this mess.” Ah the rapture that would ensue as you fight denizens of the undead for a copy of Shrek 2. Have they not seen Poltergeist? Craig T. Nelson’s house was built on top of a graveyard and got sucked into oblivion only after imprisoning little Carol Ann in a freakin’ television.
Where is their common decency? Is Wal-Mart so strapped for real estate that they’ve resorted to unearthing graves en mass? When will the madness stop?
Since Wal-Mart has seen fit to desecrate the sacred ruins in Mexico I fully expect to see another super-store at the foot of Khufu’s Pyramid in Egypt or perhaps atop the Acropolis so we can buy gardening tools as we visit the Parthenon. I’m sure the Pharos will appreciate the convenience of being able to purchase pharmaceuticals and frozen waffles in the same place. Wait Khufu; don’t forget that motor oil you so desperately need as you spend eternity fighting for a decent parking spot. Teotihuacán was so named by the Aztecs as “The Place Where Men Become Gods”. Now they’re going to have to name it “The Place Where Men Become Shopping Cart Attendants”.
This sordid little venture is almost too macabre for words. Wal-Mart truly is the evil empire.
Ah yes, I can just envision a Wal-Mart in the middle of Arlington National Cemetery or Fort Logan National Cemetery where my grandfather lies in rest. Imagine my grandmother’s glee as Sam Walton hands her the urn containing her dead husband’s ashes and says, “It’s in the name of progress ma’am.” Picture if you will running into Casper-the-not-so-friendly-and-quite-frankly-pissed-off-ghost as you rummage through the house wares department. Casper says, “Boy if only they had Tupper-ware when I died I wouldn’t be in this mess.” Ah the rapture that would ensue as you fight denizens of the undead for a copy of Shrek 2. Have they not seen Poltergeist? Craig T. Nelson’s house was built on top of a graveyard and got sucked into oblivion only after imprisoning little Carol Ann in a freakin’ television.
Where is their common decency? Is Wal-Mart so strapped for real estate that they’ve resorted to unearthing graves en mass? When will the madness stop?
Since Wal-Mart has seen fit to desecrate the sacred ruins in Mexico I fully expect to see another super-store at the foot of Khufu’s Pyramid in Egypt or perhaps atop the Acropolis so we can buy gardening tools as we visit the Parthenon. I’m sure the Pharos will appreciate the convenience of being able to purchase pharmaceuticals and frozen waffles in the same place. Wait Khufu; don’t forget that motor oil you so desperately need as you spend eternity fighting for a decent parking spot. Teotihuacán was so named by the Aztecs as “The Place Where Men Become Gods”. Now they’re going to have to name it “The Place Where Men Become Shopping Cart Attendants”.
This sordid little venture is almost too macabre for words. Wal-Mart truly is the evil empire.
Solutions redux
As we Democrats lick our wounds after Tuesday, November 2, 2004, I’ve come up with solutions to some of the most divisive issues of our time. Enjoy!
Flag burning-make the American flag out of non-flammable material. Flag burners will find all efforts to torch the Stars & Stripes utterly futile. Perhaps they should coat the flag in asbestos.
Abortion-medical science should come up with a way to genetically graft armor onto the human fetus. The unborn will be impervious to all physical damage.
Gay marriage-outlaw the institution of marriage. This antiquated ceremony is largely symbolic. Besides, who wants to watch crazy aunt Marge dance to the chicken polka?
The war in Iraq-outlaw bullets world wide. Guns aren’t nearly as effective without projectiles speeding out the barrel at a thousand feet per second.
Terrorism-let’s have a giant house party in Cabo San Lucas. It’s clear that guys like Osama bin Laden and Abu Musab al-Zarqawi haven’t gotten laid or drunk in a long time. Maybe if they hook up they’ll be more willing to just chill. I bet Paris Hilton would be willing to “entertain”.
Death penalty-put all those on death row in a tiny hamlet in rural Kansas and let visiting extra terrestrials anally probe them to their alien heart’s delight. Put it on Pay-Per-View and make a fortune that would go to buying Hostess out of bankruptcy so they’ll make more Twinkies.
Euthanasia-simple, allow old people into Asia too. Get it? Oh, I’m so damn clever.
The economy-make Monopoly money legal tender. Not only will the sales of this nation’s most popular board game sky rocket the average American will suddenly have zero debt and enough pocket cash to buy a Hummer. I’m sitting on close to fifty grand in my closet as we speak. And a 60” plasma screen TV will look sweet on my wall.
Education-one sure way to save money is teach sex-ed and driver training in the same car.
Taxes-abolish all taxes and let the government raise money by holding a bake sale where they can peddle their pastries for five thousand Monopoly bucks a pop and a chance to throw a softball at the politician-of-your-choice dunking tank. A successful throw would drop the poor guys/gals into a vat of raw sewage. They’ll be fine. After all, s**t floats.
Immigration-fill the Rio Grande with fifteen-foot long crocodiles. Anyone who makes it across deserves citizenship. For the Arizona-California border, lay a mile wide patch of land mines and mark them. But put the markers in the wrong spot. Then space cameras every quarter mile and record the hilarity. As for the Canadian border, who cares, they’re basically America Light anyway.
You see, there are easy solutions to incredibly contentious issues if you just think hard enough.
Flag burning-make the American flag out of non-flammable material. Flag burners will find all efforts to torch the Stars & Stripes utterly futile. Perhaps they should coat the flag in asbestos.
Abortion-medical science should come up with a way to genetically graft armor onto the human fetus. The unborn will be impervious to all physical damage.
Gay marriage-outlaw the institution of marriage. This antiquated ceremony is largely symbolic. Besides, who wants to watch crazy aunt Marge dance to the chicken polka?
The war in Iraq-outlaw bullets world wide. Guns aren’t nearly as effective without projectiles speeding out the barrel at a thousand feet per second.
Terrorism-let’s have a giant house party in Cabo San Lucas. It’s clear that guys like Osama bin Laden and Abu Musab al-Zarqawi haven’t gotten laid or drunk in a long time. Maybe if they hook up they’ll be more willing to just chill. I bet Paris Hilton would be willing to “entertain”.
Death penalty-put all those on death row in a tiny hamlet in rural Kansas and let visiting extra terrestrials anally probe them to their alien heart’s delight. Put it on Pay-Per-View and make a fortune that would go to buying Hostess out of bankruptcy so they’ll make more Twinkies.
Euthanasia-simple, allow old people into Asia too. Get it? Oh, I’m so damn clever.
The economy-make Monopoly money legal tender. Not only will the sales of this nation’s most popular board game sky rocket the average American will suddenly have zero debt and enough pocket cash to buy a Hummer. I’m sitting on close to fifty grand in my closet as we speak. And a 60” plasma screen TV will look sweet on my wall.
Education-one sure way to save money is teach sex-ed and driver training in the same car.
Taxes-abolish all taxes and let the government raise money by holding a bake sale where they can peddle their pastries for five thousand Monopoly bucks a pop and a chance to throw a softball at the politician-of-your-choice dunking tank. A successful throw would drop the poor guys/gals into a vat of raw sewage. They’ll be fine. After all, s**t floats.
Immigration-fill the Rio Grande with fifteen-foot long crocodiles. Anyone who makes it across deserves citizenship. For the Arizona-California border, lay a mile wide patch of land mines and mark them. But put the markers in the wrong spot. Then space cameras every quarter mile and record the hilarity. As for the Canadian border, who cares, they’re basically America Light anyway.
You see, there are easy solutions to incredibly contentious issues if you just think hard enough.
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