This spiel will make you weep and laugh at the poetic irony that has befallen yours truly.
I just now got home from a little unexpected vacation. Where was his Shrubbiness taken pray tell? You guessed it, my favorite local hospital for treatment on an infected right leg. What did the battery of docs recommend…amputation. Woo hoo, I’m now but two arms away from becoming the dreaded Black Night. All you Monty Python fans are issuing a collective guffaw. Those who don’t get the reference just watch The Holy Grail.
Holy shit, now I’m feverishly scoping out my arms for the slightest blemish.
Just when I thought that I had heard every amputation joke contrived about having one leg I now must acclimate to two stump humor.
Now, my top ten moments from my most recent hospital stay…
10. Three hours in the ER waiting room followed by eight hours in my trauma room then followed by a bumpy ride to my cozy room on the ward where the welcome site of IV dilauded on tap filled me with warm fuzziness.
9. Watching the booty on every damn nurse in the ER…that is one collection of fine women.
8. The look on the anesthesiologists face when I quipped right before my latest amputation, “You got anything stronger dude?”
7. The look on my orthopedist’s face when I quipped right after my surgery, “Are my arms still attached?”
6. Everything about rapping with Al. The guy is a national treasure.
5. Watching the looks on the nurses’ faces as I planned a party to celebrate my amputation that featured turkey legs, chicken drumsticks, and frog legs. Alas, no one delivers frog legs.
4. Arguing for three straight days with the residents that my oral pain meds were about as effective as cleaning up a radio active landfill with oven mits…the shit didn’t work. At one point I was literally crying in front of a doctor who showed all the compassion of Ed Gein over a pot of soup.
3. Finally getting my necessary IV pain meds…God love those chemists.
2. Watching shitty television with that stupid little speaker by your head.
1. Getting the fuck out of that place…two out of the last three visits resulted in a limb getting lopped off, so you’ll understand if I bid your facility a not-so-fond fairwell.
Oh the damnable misery and a few shout outs
Well kids, your Shrubbiness just did ANOTHER stint in the hospital. And as fate would have it my other leg was infected. Oh how the gods can be cruel, capricious bastards.
So, ‘tis my desire to write as much as I can on this here blog so as to assuage my fear of losing another limb. Writing is and can be a much needed diversion as well as therapeutic cyber salve to my wounded psyche and beaten body.’
Thank you one and all for your loyalty and well wishes.
Billiam the Conqueror has been a stalwart and true friend throughout. Your words gave me more comfort than you know. Thanks friend.
Emi, you little tart. I miss your unabashed goofiness. Here’s hoping your upcoming nuptials are a truly joyous event. And yes, we shall reconvene the troops for more hijinx and hilarity.
Waterboy, few have been as supportive for as long as you my friend.
PB, your unflinching nerdness is one of the few absolutes in my life. You along with Duditz, Mikey, Greg, and the rest have been treasured compadres for years. Don’t go a changin’.
Later kids!
So, ‘tis my desire to write as much as I can on this here blog so as to assuage my fear of losing another limb. Writing is and can be a much needed diversion as well as therapeutic cyber salve to my wounded psyche and beaten body.’
Thank you one and all for your loyalty and well wishes.
Billiam the Conqueror has been a stalwart and true friend throughout. Your words gave me more comfort than you know. Thanks friend.
Emi, you little tart. I miss your unabashed goofiness. Here’s hoping your upcoming nuptials are a truly joyous event. And yes, we shall reconvene the troops for more hijinx and hilarity.
Waterboy, few have been as supportive for as long as you my friend.
PB, your unflinching nerdness is one of the few absolutes in my life. You along with Duditz, Mikey, Greg, and the rest have been treasured compadres for years. Don’t go a changin’.
Later kids!
i'mmmmmmm back
Hello my children. You’re probably wondering just where the hell yours truly has been the last month. Last time I posted anything was the Imus spiel. Don Imus? Who the hell is he? Never heard of him.
On wit da show, beeyatches!
Oh, about my protracted absence. Seems the chronic infections in my left leg got a wee bit serious, so serious my body went septic. In less than three weeks the infection in my foot had literally destroyed the bones of my lower leg, necessitating a below the knee amputation of my left leg. Shit if the pain was not unbearable. But the dilauded helped.
So now my middle name is Eileen. Get it? Bwahahahaha, I’m too clever.
And now a shout out to some well deserving folks.
First, to the all knowing Booty Man. We’ve been friends since 1990 and I never knew what a good leaning post you were until the shock of amputation hit me. You were there, every damn day, whether I was coherent or looped out of my tree, and I for one am grateful. Thank you. You made a shitty situation bearable, even if was just that wry smile or a genuine inquiry into my state.
Dr. T. Your no-holds-barred approach to bedside manner was just the jolt I needed. You are the best doctor I’ve ever seen, truly. Smarts, charm, wit, intelligence all wrapped in a squishy sweet outer shell. Thank you for your tenacity and determination that I, above all, get better. You don’t hear this enough…you’re a great doctor and even better person.
Dr. Mengela, the Amputator. You were a silver haired treasure. Your smile was infectious and your kind manner befit a man of your character. You were straight with me always when only the straight shit was appropriate. Thanks.
And Al. Nuff said.
On wit da show, beeyatches!
Oh, about my protracted absence. Seems the chronic infections in my left leg got a wee bit serious, so serious my body went septic. In less than three weeks the infection in my foot had literally destroyed the bones of my lower leg, necessitating a below the knee amputation of my left leg. Shit if the pain was not unbearable. But the dilauded helped.
So now my middle name is Eileen. Get it? Bwahahahaha, I’m too clever.
And now a shout out to some well deserving folks.
First, to the all knowing Booty Man. We’ve been friends since 1990 and I never knew what a good leaning post you were until the shock of amputation hit me. You were there, every damn day, whether I was coherent or looped out of my tree, and I for one am grateful. Thank you. You made a shitty situation bearable, even if was just that wry smile or a genuine inquiry into my state.
Dr. T. Your no-holds-barred approach to bedside manner was just the jolt I needed. You are the best doctor I’ve ever seen, truly. Smarts, charm, wit, intelligence all wrapped in a squishy sweet outer shell. Thank you for your tenacity and determination that I, above all, get better. You don’t hear this enough…you’re a great doctor and even better person.
Dr. Mengela, the Amputator. You were a silver haired treasure. Your smile was infectious and your kind manner befit a man of your character. You were straight with me always when only the straight shit was appropriate. Thanks.
And Al. Nuff said.
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