See ya on the flip side
Well ladies & gentlemen, yours truly, Ihatedashrub/Holy Hand Grenade is going into the hospital tomorrow morning for some surgery on my leg. I go under the knife Tuesday morning at 7:30 and will be convalescing for a few weeks. So you, my loyal readers, all three of you, wish me luck and FIGHT THE POWER. I'll return in a few weeks with more dim witted ramblings for your reading pleasure. Take care all and thanks for everything...I'll miss you.
I am soooooo there
Seems as part of its 2006 World Cup gala host nation Germany is setting up brothels for the convenience of football/soccer fans that will flock en masse to Berlin, Dortmund, and ten other sites. God love those Germans and their organizational skills.
Fantasy football primer
As the NFL season mercifully approaches thoughts turn to local allegiances, Super Bowl predictions, and of course fantasy football. So I now bring you, subject to change at my whim, pre-season awards, prognostications, and other useless stuff.
Best player-He lit up score boards last year like no quarter back ever did and this year Peyton Manning should not fall off much, if at all. He still has Marvin Harrison, Reggie Wayne, Edgerin James, and an underrated Dallas Clark at tight end. Plus Brandon Stokely gives Manning arguably the best third WR in the game. This offense is flat out scary.
Best RB-LaDanian Tomlinson has been the best back in football for three years and has a passing game that will take much of the heat off his back. In each of the last four years he’s rushed for an average of over 1400 yards, 13 TD’s, and 75 receptions out of the back field. LT should get better as his O-line improves and Drew Brees and/or Philip Rivers solidify the quarterback position, and the scary thing…he’s only 26.
Best WR/TE-Love him or hate him you can’t argue with the fact Randy Moss is the most explosive player in football. Moss can get 1500 yards and 15 TD catches a year in his sleep and can dominate a game at will.
Best QB-see above
Best K-Jason Elam has the tantalizing combination of accuracy and a booming leg. He can hit 55+ yard field goals with frightening ease and has the added benefit of a loaded offense that puts him into field goal position early and often.
Best D-It’s hard to ignore a unit that’s led defensive scoring six out of the last seven years. From a fantasy perspective the Ravens’ D is the gold standard.
Best sleeper-There are several guys out there who will be sneak up on everyone and have balls out years…Tiki Barber is the Giants’ best offensive players and very quietly one of the top five backs in football…Corey Dillon pumps out 1400 yard seasons with frightening regularity and the Patriots will ride his legs until he drops…Clinton Portis is the most physically gifted back in football and if Joe Gibbs ever learns how to use him he’ll be an elite runner again…if Michael Vick can learn how to recognize defenses and can get bona fide receivers to throw to the kid will be terrorizing defenses and giving coordinators nightmares...with Chad Johnson to throw to Carson Palmer has the complimentary talent to break out for 3400 yards and 25 TD’s…it’s hard to believe that a guy who can get 1200 yards receiving and ten TD’s whenever he wants is a sleeper but that’s what Joe Horn is, he quietly has strung together five straight seasons of 80+ catches…with Chad Pennington now throwing him the ball look for Laveranues Coles to put up big numbers.
Most overrated-Santana Moss was supposed to be a top five receiver last year but limped to 838 yards and five touchdowns…Javon Walker ended his hold out but Brett Favre was pissed about the contract demands and Walker plays the most dependent position in sports…Aaron Brooks has the physical talent to be a top flight QB but he’s way too erratic to be relied on as anything but a fantasy back up…Deuce McCallister will get you 160 yards and three scores one week and will disappear for the next month…Jamal Lewis will never come within 500 yards of his 2003 season total of 2,066 yards.
Late round gems-Look for Arizona’s J.J. Arrington to get 1100 yards and ten TD’s…if Ricky Williams returns to his bruising former self he could be a late round steal, especially if he gets traded to Jacksonville or someone else in need…if he’s available past round 8 snatch up Drew Brees, you won’t be sorry…Troy Williamson goes into the season as the Vikings’ No.3 receiver but look for him to push for a starting spot by September…Lee Evans closed last season with a flourish and was arguably the hottest receiver in the league the last five weeks of ’04.
Players to avoid-never, ever, ever start Matt Hasselbeck, has great receivers but this offense will break your heart…the Vikings have a running back by committee approach so avoid purple RB’s…Jerome Bettis will get 25 yards and a TD, big deal…Ashley Lelie has big play potential but he is oft times invisible.
Never bench ‘em-All he does is rack up 150 yards total offense and score at least one touchdown every week so anyone who benches Edgerin James is clinically insane…Jimmy Smith has been one of the most consistent wide outs in the NFL for ten years and is Byron Leftwich’s favorite target…Marvin Harrison is the best receiver on the best offense the game has ever seen…Brett Favre gets 250+ passing yards and two TD throws like clockwork…Trent Green and Tony Gonzalez are the lynch pins of a powerful offense that’s capable of breaking the bulbs on the score board.
Rookies to watch-Cedric Benson, Carnel Williams, Ronnie Brown, J.J. Arrington, Mike Williams, Mark Clayton, Braylon Edwards, Troy Williamson, Roddy White, Reggie Brown.
Best player-He lit up score boards last year like no quarter back ever did and this year Peyton Manning should not fall off much, if at all. He still has Marvin Harrison, Reggie Wayne, Edgerin James, and an underrated Dallas Clark at tight end. Plus Brandon Stokely gives Manning arguably the best third WR in the game. This offense is flat out scary.
Best RB-LaDanian Tomlinson has been the best back in football for three years and has a passing game that will take much of the heat off his back. In each of the last four years he’s rushed for an average of over 1400 yards, 13 TD’s, and 75 receptions out of the back field. LT should get better as his O-line improves and Drew Brees and/or Philip Rivers solidify the quarterback position, and the scary thing…he’s only 26.
Best WR/TE-Love him or hate him you can’t argue with the fact Randy Moss is the most explosive player in football. Moss can get 1500 yards and 15 TD catches a year in his sleep and can dominate a game at will.
Best QB-see above
Best K-Jason Elam has the tantalizing combination of accuracy and a booming leg. He can hit 55+ yard field goals with frightening ease and has the added benefit of a loaded offense that puts him into field goal position early and often.
Best D-It’s hard to ignore a unit that’s led defensive scoring six out of the last seven years. From a fantasy perspective the Ravens’ D is the gold standard.
Best sleeper-There are several guys out there who will be sneak up on everyone and have balls out years…Tiki Barber is the Giants’ best offensive players and very quietly one of the top five backs in football…Corey Dillon pumps out 1400 yard seasons with frightening regularity and the Patriots will ride his legs until he drops…Clinton Portis is the most physically gifted back in football and if Joe Gibbs ever learns how to use him he’ll be an elite runner again…if Michael Vick can learn how to recognize defenses and can get bona fide receivers to throw to the kid will be terrorizing defenses and giving coordinators nightmares...with Chad Johnson to throw to Carson Palmer has the complimentary talent to break out for 3400 yards and 25 TD’s…it’s hard to believe that a guy who can get 1200 yards receiving and ten TD’s whenever he wants is a sleeper but that’s what Joe Horn is, he quietly has strung together five straight seasons of 80+ catches…with Chad Pennington now throwing him the ball look for Laveranues Coles to put up big numbers.
Most overrated-Santana Moss was supposed to be a top five receiver last year but limped to 838 yards and five touchdowns…Javon Walker ended his hold out but Brett Favre was pissed about the contract demands and Walker plays the most dependent position in sports…Aaron Brooks has the physical talent to be a top flight QB but he’s way too erratic to be relied on as anything but a fantasy back up…Deuce McCallister will get you 160 yards and three scores one week and will disappear for the next month…Jamal Lewis will never come within 500 yards of his 2003 season total of 2,066 yards.
Late round gems-Look for Arizona’s J.J. Arrington to get 1100 yards and ten TD’s…if Ricky Williams returns to his bruising former self he could be a late round steal, especially if he gets traded to Jacksonville or someone else in need…if he’s available past round 8 snatch up Drew Brees, you won’t be sorry…Troy Williamson goes into the season as the Vikings’ No.3 receiver but look for him to push for a starting spot by September…Lee Evans closed last season with a flourish and was arguably the hottest receiver in the league the last five weeks of ’04.
Players to avoid-never, ever, ever start Matt Hasselbeck, has great receivers but this offense will break your heart…the Vikings have a running back by committee approach so avoid purple RB’s…Jerome Bettis will get 25 yards and a TD, big deal…Ashley Lelie has big play potential but he is oft times invisible.
Never bench ‘em-All he does is rack up 150 yards total offense and score at least one touchdown every week so anyone who benches Edgerin James is clinically insane…Jimmy Smith has been one of the most consistent wide outs in the NFL for ten years and is Byron Leftwich’s favorite target…Marvin Harrison is the best receiver on the best offense the game has ever seen…Brett Favre gets 250+ passing yards and two TD throws like clockwork…Trent Green and Tony Gonzalez are the lynch pins of a powerful offense that’s capable of breaking the bulbs on the score board.
Rookies to watch-Cedric Benson, Carnel Williams, Ronnie Brown, J.J. Arrington, Mike Williams, Mark Clayton, Braylon Edwards, Troy Williamson, Roddy White, Reggie Brown.
This is just evil
You've all heard about the little league coach who allegedly paid one of his players to hit a disabled kid and injure him so the kid couldn't screw up again.
If this is true no amount of praying, begging, or repenting will change the fact this guy's going straight to hell on a bobsled.
If this is true no amount of praying, begging, or repenting will change the fact this guy's going straight to hell on a bobsled.
Is Lance Armstrong the best athlete ever?
Skip Bayless says no.
Roy S. Johnson says maybe.
John Vontz waxes poetic about Lance's legacy.
Armen Keteyian said Armstrong's the best athlete he's ever seen.
Let the debate begin.
Roy S. Johnson says maybe.
John Vontz waxes poetic about Lance's legacy.
Armen Keteyian said Armstrong's the best athlete he's ever seen.
Let the debate begin.
What price security?
Reported on this months ago but now Congress finally gets the memo.
George Orwell looks more like a prophet every day.
George Orwell looks more like a prophet every day.
Brain floss on a Thursday
If I ever meet the person responsible for inventing spyware/adware there will be no measure for how miserable I’ll make them…be afraid, be very afraid.
So, now the Broncos have Cleveland’s defensive line? I’m under-Fing-whelmed.
I’ve discovered the secret to driving in any downtown area of a major metropolitan city…don’t signal. It’s a sign of weakness.
Thank you God for bringing about the end of the labor impasse in the NHL, I don’t think I could’ve taken another spring of just basketball and baseball.
Would someone please tell me what the big deal is about Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas? So you shoot up the town and get laid…big deal.
Rush Limbaugh is such a Bush sycophant. When has he ever been critical of anything Jr. has done? Limbaugh genuflects to Jr’s visage so much his pants are baggy.
I actually saw some guy walking down the street in a bright ass pink Izod polo shirt with the collar turned up, with pastel plaid shorts, and topsiders. Did I miss the memo? Are the 80’s back? If I EVER get caught sporting a look like this tool I give anybody reading this full permission to shoot me in the forehead.
When all is said & done Halley Berry will go down with Cleopatra, Helen of Troy, Nefertiti, and Marilyn Monroe as one of the most gorgeous women in history.
Worst love song-anything by George Michael…he was singing to guys. *shudder*
Best love song-With or Without You by U2. Bono has said that he’ll keep making music until he records the perfect song. New flash Bono, you’ve already succeeded.
Please tell me Jr. didn’t do this.
I miss Cheers. For my money Cheers was the best sit-com ever.
If I eat much more Mexican food I’m going to sprout a burro out of my ass, grow a cheesy mustache, and play mariachi music in el barrio.
Channel 9 here in Denver just did a story discussing the merits of push-up bras. God love ‘em.
Tommy Lee & Pam Anderson are getting back together...my universe makes sense once more.
Must go y’all.
So, now the Broncos have Cleveland’s defensive line? I’m under-Fing-whelmed.
I’ve discovered the secret to driving in any downtown area of a major metropolitan city…don’t signal. It’s a sign of weakness.
Thank you God for bringing about the end of the labor impasse in the NHL, I don’t think I could’ve taken another spring of just basketball and baseball.
Would someone please tell me what the big deal is about Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas? So you shoot up the town and get laid…big deal.
Rush Limbaugh is such a Bush sycophant. When has he ever been critical of anything Jr. has done? Limbaugh genuflects to Jr’s visage so much his pants are baggy.
I actually saw some guy walking down the street in a bright ass pink Izod polo shirt with the collar turned up, with pastel plaid shorts, and topsiders. Did I miss the memo? Are the 80’s back? If I EVER get caught sporting a look like this tool I give anybody reading this full permission to shoot me in the forehead.
When all is said & done Halley Berry will go down with Cleopatra, Helen of Troy, Nefertiti, and Marilyn Monroe as one of the most gorgeous women in history.
Worst love song-anything by George Michael…he was singing to guys. *shudder*
Best love song-With or Without You by U2. Bono has said that he’ll keep making music until he records the perfect song. New flash Bono, you’ve already succeeded.
Please tell me Jr. didn’t do this.
I miss Cheers. For my money Cheers was the best sit-com ever.
If I eat much more Mexican food I’m going to sprout a burro out of my ass, grow a cheesy mustache, and play mariachi music in el barrio.
Channel 9 here in Denver just did a story discussing the merits of push-up bras. God love ‘em.
Tommy Lee & Pam Anderson are getting back together...my universe makes sense once more.
Must go y’all.
Great sports moments; or, why I watch sports
Best things/moments in sports; or the times when it’s great to be a sports fan in no certain order...
1. Game 7 of a Stanley Cup playoff series (nothing matches the intensity of the NHL playoffs)
2. Game 7 of the World Series
3. 2:00 left, ball on your own twenty, John Elway under center
4. 1:30 left, ball on your 30, Joe Montana under center
5. Michael Jordan pouring in 63 against Boston in the playoffs
6. Ray Bourque hoisting the Stanley Cup
7. Tiger winning the Masters by twelve strokes
8. Muhammad Ali lighting the Olympic flame
9. Secretariat obliterating the field at Belmont...he won by 35 lengths
10. Lance Armstrong with the yellow jersey (God damn French)
11. The Miracle on Ice
12. Jim Valvano running around like a chicken with its head off after NC State upset Phi Slamma Jamma (rest in peace Jimmy)
13. Villanova upsetting Georgetown
14. Jim McMahon getting knocked the F out against Green Bay
15. First Bronco home game
16. Watching Anna "What a" Kournikova bounce seductively in a white mini skirt
17. A hot dog at Yankee Stadium
18. A micro brew at Coors Field...followed by three hours of shitty baseball
19. Meeting Peter Forseberg who's the nicest guy, BTW
20. No annoying chicks with annoying questions
21. Mike Tyson getting his face beat in by some journeyman
22. John Rocker getting crushed in the minors
23. Randy Moss running a deep pattern
24. Marvin Harrison catching a TD
25. Jerry Rice working harder than everyone
26. Michael Jordan switching hands in mid air and making the lay-up
27. John Stephen Akhwari finishing the marathon in the ’68 Olympics. When asked why he didn’t just quit after falling and dislocating his knee Akhwari responded, “My country did not send me 7000 miles away to start the race. They sent me 7000 miles to finish it.”
28. Jack Nicklas winning the ’86 Masters
29. Sugar Ray Leonard humbling Roberto Duran in the “No Mas” fight
30. Muhammed Ali standing over George Foreman after knocking him to the canvas
31. Listening to the silky smooth Vin Scully broadcast a baseball game
32. Hearing the crowd groan after Steve Atwater knocked Christian Okoye into next week
33. Watching Barry Sanders dart around like a scared rabbit
34. Al Michaels’ call as the clock wound down on the Miracle on Ice…”Do you believe in miracles? Yes!”
35. John Madden diagramming a play and going “Boom!”
36. Chris Berman doing his schtick on ESPN
37. Charlie Steiner losing it and laughing for five minutes straight on Sportscenter
38. Ricky Waters crying at the national anthem the first game after 9-11
39. Lawrence Taylor hunting down quarterbacks
40. Cal Ripken and 2131
41. Lou Gehrig giving his speech at Yankee Stadium
42. Willie Mays making the over-the-shoulder basket catch in deep center field
*Update* 7/19-05
There were some glaring omissions in my list...
43. Tom Brady's humility. He gave up an opportunity to demand $10 million per year for the betterment of the Patriots. That's a man.
44. Red Sox beating the hated Yankees and sweeping the Cards to shake off 86 years of Ruth's curse.
45. That 75 yard hail Mary from Kordell Stewart to Michael Westbrook that broke the hearts of 103,000 at Michigan Stadium.
46. John Elway getting pin-wheeled on 3rd & 6 that gave the Broncos the adrenaline boost needed to beat Green Bay
47. Doug Flutie’s last second heave that beat Miami
48. Turner Gill and his incomplete pass that got batted down by Miami to give the ‘Canes the national title in 83
49. Watching CU take the field behind a real buffalo
50. Bobby Thompson’s “Shot heard around the world”
51. The US making it to the final eight in the 2002 World Cup
52. Watching Pele
53. Jesse Owens taking Hitler’s “Aryan superiority” myth and blowing it out of the water
54. In the ’32 Berlin Olympics Hitler demanded every country dip their flag as they passed by the Fuhrer…the only country that refused was the United States of America
55. Jackie Robinson breaking down the color barrier in baseball
56. Ronnie Lott cutting a path of destruction through opposing receivers
57. Jim Everett jumping across the table to shove Jim Rome…he so had it coming
58. Shannon Sharpe taunting the late Derek Thomas so bad that Thomas eventually lost it and got ejected
59. Nobody could talk smack like Muhammad Ali
60. DU winning back-to-back NCAA titles in hockey…I went to law school at DU
1. Game 7 of a Stanley Cup playoff series (nothing matches the intensity of the NHL playoffs)
2. Game 7 of the World Series
3. 2:00 left, ball on your own twenty, John Elway under center
4. 1:30 left, ball on your 30, Joe Montana under center
5. Michael Jordan pouring in 63 against Boston in the playoffs
6. Ray Bourque hoisting the Stanley Cup
7. Tiger winning the Masters by twelve strokes
8. Muhammad Ali lighting the Olympic flame
9. Secretariat obliterating the field at Belmont...he won by 35 lengths
10. Lance Armstrong with the yellow jersey (God damn French)
11. The Miracle on Ice
12. Jim Valvano running around like a chicken with its head off after NC State upset Phi Slamma Jamma (rest in peace Jimmy)
13. Villanova upsetting Georgetown
14. Jim McMahon getting knocked the F out against Green Bay
15. First Bronco home game
16. Watching Anna "What a" Kournikova bounce seductively in a white mini skirt
17. A hot dog at Yankee Stadium
18. A micro brew at Coors Field...followed by three hours of shitty baseball
19. Meeting Peter Forseberg who's the nicest guy, BTW
20. No annoying chicks with annoying questions
21. Mike Tyson getting his face beat in by some journeyman
22. John Rocker getting crushed in the minors
23. Randy Moss running a deep pattern
24. Marvin Harrison catching a TD
25. Jerry Rice working harder than everyone
26. Michael Jordan switching hands in mid air and making the lay-up
27. John Stephen Akhwari finishing the marathon in the ’68 Olympics. When asked why he didn’t just quit after falling and dislocating his knee Akhwari responded, “My country did not send me 7000 miles away to start the race. They sent me 7000 miles to finish it.”
28. Jack Nicklas winning the ’86 Masters
29. Sugar Ray Leonard humbling Roberto Duran in the “No Mas” fight
30. Muhammed Ali standing over George Foreman after knocking him to the canvas
31. Listening to the silky smooth Vin Scully broadcast a baseball game
32. Hearing the crowd groan after Steve Atwater knocked Christian Okoye into next week
33. Watching Barry Sanders dart around like a scared rabbit
34. Al Michaels’ call as the clock wound down on the Miracle on Ice…”Do you believe in miracles? Yes!”
35. John Madden diagramming a play and going “Boom!”
36. Chris Berman doing his schtick on ESPN
37. Charlie Steiner losing it and laughing for five minutes straight on Sportscenter
38. Ricky Waters crying at the national anthem the first game after 9-11
39. Lawrence Taylor hunting down quarterbacks
40. Cal Ripken and 2131
41. Lou Gehrig giving his speech at Yankee Stadium
42. Willie Mays making the over-the-shoulder basket catch in deep center field
*Update* 7/19-05
There were some glaring omissions in my list...
43. Tom Brady's humility. He gave up an opportunity to demand $10 million per year for the betterment of the Patriots. That's a man.
44. Red Sox beating the hated Yankees and sweeping the Cards to shake off 86 years of Ruth's curse.
45. That 75 yard hail Mary from Kordell Stewart to Michael Westbrook that broke the hearts of 103,000 at Michigan Stadium.
46. John Elway getting pin-wheeled on 3rd & 6 that gave the Broncos the adrenaline boost needed to beat Green Bay
47. Doug Flutie’s last second heave that beat Miami
48. Turner Gill and his incomplete pass that got batted down by Miami to give the ‘Canes the national title in 83
49. Watching CU take the field behind a real buffalo
50. Bobby Thompson’s “Shot heard around the world”
51. The US making it to the final eight in the 2002 World Cup
52. Watching Pele
53. Jesse Owens taking Hitler’s “Aryan superiority” myth and blowing it out of the water
54. In the ’32 Berlin Olympics Hitler demanded every country dip their flag as they passed by the Fuhrer…the only country that refused was the United States of America
55. Jackie Robinson breaking down the color barrier in baseball
56. Ronnie Lott cutting a path of destruction through opposing receivers
57. Jim Everett jumping across the table to shove Jim Rome…he so had it coming
58. Shannon Sharpe taunting the late Derek Thomas so bad that Thomas eventually lost it and got ejected
59. Nobody could talk smack like Muhammad Ali
60. DU winning back-to-back NCAA titles in hockey…I went to law school at DU
Nil Indigne
At long last the definitive sports awards show you’ve all been waiting for. The ESPYS are but mere table scraps compared to the sublime awards show known simply as Wolf’s Nipple Chips. And now our host, Thine Holy Hand Grenade *queue thunderous applause*
Oops, I broke it again…over the years far too many athletes have had potentially brilliant careers marred by injuries. Sadly, some of the unfortunates are also some of the most decent human beings in sports. So, in order to honor the shining stars that bore crutches instead of records here’s the best of the gimps. Terrell Davis, Grant Hill, Ken Griffey Jr.
The Golden Wheel Chair goes to…Jr. was on pace to break Hank Aaron’s 745 home run mark but injuries started derailing Griffey in ’99 and he hasn’t been the same player since. Once the unquestioned best player in baseball, Junior played with an abandon that ultimately led to a fractured wrist, bad knees, and shoulder problems.
Dammmmnnnnnn…I was innocently watching Monday Night Football in 1985 when I saw Joe Theisman’s leg snap like a dry twig. It was one of the most horrific injuries in sports history. But it’s not the worst. The nominees are…Clint Malarchuk, Hasim Rahman, Gerald Wilhite.
The Bloody Crutch goes to…with all due respect to Theisman; Clint Malarchuk had a skate open his jugular vein in a hockey game in ’89. Blood jetted out onto the ice and several players actually threw up. Yes Wilhite’s leg spun 270 degrees and Rahman had a lump on his head that looked like a pulsating alien cocoon but Malarchuk nearly bled to death in front of 17,000 people.
Bet you can’t eat just one…Evander Holyfield still has the chunk missing from his ear courtesy of Mike Tyson. Who can forget Holyfield recoiling as Tyson chomped down on the cartilage, tearing a not-so-small piece out of the ear, and spitting it out onto the canvas? I guess we should feel lucky Tyson didn’t chew and swallow. This category is Tyson’s alone and as such he receives the Pile o’ Raw Meat awarded to such luminaries as Alfred Packer, Jeffrey Dahmer, and the Donner party.
My head won’t fit through the door…there are egos and then there are egos. Professional sports athletes naturally have to possess a lot of confidence but some go beyond the pale. This is a salute to the egomaniac in all of us. The nominees are…Terrell Owens, Barry Bonds, Kobe Bryant.
The Globe of World Dominance goes to…Barry Bonds has always fancied himself the next Willie Mays and Kobe did single-handedly orchestrate the departure of Shaq and Phil Jackson but Terrell Owens had the balls to call out his own quarterback after he was on the receiving end of nine catches for 132 yards in the Super Bowl. Now Owens is demanding a pay increase even though he stands to make over $7 million next season and is one of the highest paid receivers in football. When a man who plays the most dependant position in sports disses the man responsible for getting him the ball (as he did with Jeff Garcia & Donavan McNabb) you almost have to stand in admiration of the hubris necessary to bite the hand that feeds.
Delusions of adequacy…how many times have we seen over-hyped athletes burn out or not live up to the lofty heights predicted by others and themselves. So, to honor those who are woefully overrated we present the nominees…Derek Coleman, Keyshawn Johnson, Ryan Leaf.
The Fickle Finger of Fate goes to…Charles Barkley once said that Coleman was the most physically gifted basketball player he’d ever seen. The only thing that stood between Coleman and legendary status was that abscess that resides atop his neck.
Where’s the love?…some athletes fly under the radar yet have brilliant careers. Here’s to the underrated and forgotten…Curtis Martin, Steve McNair, Joe Sakic.
The Golden Thumbs Up, Way Up goes to…he’s compiled ten straight seasons of 1000+ yards and sits at forth all-time on the NFL rushing list. Only Emmett Smith, Barry Sanders, and Walter Payton have more career rushing yards than Curtis Martin. He is the ultimate warrior who’s been the most consistent back in football for ten years. All hale Curtis Martin and remember him for such unassuming athletes are rare indeed.
I’m Velvet Jones…athletes have been notorious for their off-the-field exploits and have hooked up more often than Warren Beatty and Benjamin Franklin combined. Only rock stars can match the carousing of professional athletes. The nominees for the biggest slut puppies are…Wilt Chamberlain, Magic Johnson, and Mike Tyson.
The Red Light goes to…Mike Tyson and Wilt are narrowly edged out by the Magic man. According to his team mates Magic got more ass than a driver’s seat in a rental car and nobody really believes Wilt shagged 10,000 women in his lifetime. Sadly Magic, as a result of his nefarious ways, contracted HIV and retired far too soon. The best ambassador the NBA ever had will always be remembered for his style on the court and his deeds of it as well. A melancholy salute to Magic…may he always have that electric smile.
Nonsense, it’s just a flesh wound…I dislocated a finger, broke two toes, and had torn rib cartilage playing rugby in high school. One night I got up to pee and kicked the corner of my dresser with the afore mentioned broken toes. Stars filled my head and I just sat there and whimpered for fifteen minutes cradling my throbbing foot with both hands and rocking back and forth. At that moment I developed deep respect for those that can suck it up and play through pain. The nominees for the most oblivious to pain are…Steve McNair, Ronnie Lott, Emmett Smith.
The Black Knight Statuette goes to…all you gotta know about the winner of this award is that when faced between the choice of having season ending surgery or having his pinky amputated Ronnie Lott chose to live life with nine fingers rather than miss playing time.
Push me shove you, oh yeah says who…sometimes a bench clearing brawl can be cathartic. We now honor the best sports brawl of all time…Pistons-Pacers ’04, Avalanche-Red Wings ’98 & ’99, Rangers-Bruins ’79.
The game was lopsided and things started getting chippy. As the clock wound down Rangers’ fans showered the ice with debris and started assaulting Boston’s Stan Jonathan. After that Jonathan’s teammates charged into the stands pummeling the Ranger faithful. The melee went on for nearly fifteen minutes and four fans were sent to jail. This little disagreement earns the Silver Spittoon.
Mind if we dance with your dates…there are just some men you shouldn’t trifle with. Since this award is so coveted we’ve expanded the field. The nominees are…Dick Butkus, Ty Domi, Lawrence Taylor, Ronnie Lott, Greg Lloyd, Steve Atwater, Ray Nitschke, Lyle Alzado.
Since this man is so bad he doesn’t get a trophy because he’d probably eat it. Lawrence Taylor was maybe the most feared athlete ever. In an interview John Elway said the only player he was genuinely afraid of was LT. More so than any defender ever offenses had to know where Taylor was at all times. His intensity bordered on maniacal and he’s the only player ever to need rabies shots at half time.
Butter fingers…sometimes watching a supposedly gifted athlete try to control the ball is like watching an epileptic eat Jell-O with chop sticks. In other words it’s just painful. The nominees for worst hands are…Mark Eaton, Danny Shayes, Garo Yepremian.
The Stone Hands Award goes to…as a life long Nuggets fan Danny Shayes was the bane of my existence throughout the 80’s. He shot lay-ups like he was throwing a shot put. His free throws were decent but the man’s hands were seemingly made out of granite.
Idiot sans savant…player interviews are generally the only opportunity for the athlete to put a face to the game. While most present themselves quite well others should NEVER open their big dumb mouths. The top dumbasses are…Mike Tyson, John Rocker, Freddie Mitchell.
The Village Idiot is, make your way to the podium, if you can find it…not only did Mitchell talk smack about the Patriots before the Super Bowl he then proceeded to diss Jacksonville, his own quarterback, Terrell Owens, and the Patriots (AGAIN) after having one catch for thirteen yards. His career stats-5 years, 90 catches, 1263 yards, 5 TD’s. News flash Freddie, Terrell gets those kinds of numbers in one season…in his sleep.
How did that happen?...while Lisa “Left Eye” Lopes was by no means ugly her temper wins this award for Worst Sports Wife hands down. Lopes burned down Andre Rison’s house in a fit of rage. Tragically the enigmatic Lopes died in a 2002 car wreck in Honduras. Rest in peace Left Eye.
Must be the money…with all that testosterone flowing through their veins you’d expect professional athletes to hook up with uber hotties. But some butt ass ugly guys have drop dead gorgeous better halves. Here’s the pick of the litter of fine women with freakin sasquatch-looking mates…Bridgette Wilson (Pete Sampras), Elsa Benitez (Ronnie Seikaly), Carmen Electra (Denis Rodman’s ex).
This is a flat-footed tie. All three nominees will receive the coveted Bronze Yeti for their devotion to the ugly man in their lives.
You need the Heimlich…we’ve all seen the mind numbing collapse of many an athlete. So here are the nominees who’ve gagged when the pressure is on…Greg Norman, New York Yankees, Jean Van De Velde.
The Fist to the Sternum goes to…this is a team award. The Yankees were up 3-0 in the ALCS. They had just won Game 3 by a score of 19-8. The Sox were all but finished. Then the unthinkable happened. Boston won Game 4 to prolong the inevitable. Then they won Game 5 and the series stood 3-2. You could see the look on the Yankees’ faces as David Ortiz ended the 14 inning marathon that was Game 5. Then the Yankees dropped Game 6 as Boston’s Curt Schilling bled and dazzled. At this point the Yankees looked as if they were in the midst of an out-of-body experience. Game 7 saw the Red Sox exorcise 86 years worth of demons. This was a choke job for the ages. You have to go back to biblical days when Goliath gagged against David to find a collapse this epic in proportion.
Oh shit!...ever been caught with your hand in the cookie jar? It happens to the best of us so it stands to reason even athletes have the occasional lapse in judgment. The nominees for biggest brain fart are…Carmelo Anthony, Eugene Robinson, Ray Lewis.
The Golden Queef goes to…not only did he get busted soliciting a prostitute he did it the night before the Super Bowl. To compound matters he was playing the very team he called “not that good” in the previous Super Bowl. By the way, Eugene Robinson was on the losing side two years in a row. Oops.
Bring us a shrubbery…there’s really only one worthy candidate in this award. Just for future reference all you sports officials, if you’re going to strike at least come to the table with one bargaining chip. I laughed my ass off when the umpires from MLB and the refs from the NBA actually went on strike. They bellied up to the table with no chips, a pair of twos, and egg on their collective faces then they proceeded to demand better pay & working conditions. All the observers issued a collective “Huh?” This is truly the most ridiculous demand in sports history.
Hatfield vs. McCoy…face it, we all love a good blood bath and nothing produces the unmitigated carnage of a heated rivalry. The nominees for best rivalry are…Alabama-Auburn, Michigan-Ohio State, Army-Navy.
The Bloody Band-Aid goes to…college football has spawned arguably the five best rivalries in sports and the annual grudge matches that are Miami-Florida State and Texas-Oklahoma aren’t even nominated. For sheer hatred and animosity Alabama-Auburn is the nastiest rivalry ever. Only the acrimony between France & Germany can compare. Fights between the respective schools’ pep squads are common and both teams have an insane loathing of one another.
Honorable mention to the Pakistan-India cricket matches. Both countries literally shut down when this series is played. The political tension just ads fuel to the fire of the ugliest international rivalry in the world.
Two men enter, one man leaves…when there is ill will on a personal level it just ads spice to the mix. Here are the nominees for best personal rivalry…Ali-Frazier, Borg-McEnroe, Kobe-Shaq.
The Golden Middle Finger goes to…these two men genuinely despise each other and have since the Diesel went to LA. Kobe has leveled vicious smears towards Shaq and Shaq has responded in kind. The fact they won three NBA titles is a testament to their talent, not their team work.
The show’s running over so good night.
Oops, I broke it again…over the years far too many athletes have had potentially brilliant careers marred by injuries. Sadly, some of the unfortunates are also some of the most decent human beings in sports. So, in order to honor the shining stars that bore crutches instead of records here’s the best of the gimps. Terrell Davis, Grant Hill, Ken Griffey Jr.
The Golden Wheel Chair goes to…Jr. was on pace to break Hank Aaron’s 745 home run mark but injuries started derailing Griffey in ’99 and he hasn’t been the same player since. Once the unquestioned best player in baseball, Junior played with an abandon that ultimately led to a fractured wrist, bad knees, and shoulder problems.
Dammmmnnnnnn…I was innocently watching Monday Night Football in 1985 when I saw Joe Theisman’s leg snap like a dry twig. It was one of the most horrific injuries in sports history. But it’s not the worst. The nominees are…Clint Malarchuk, Hasim Rahman, Gerald Wilhite.
The Bloody Crutch goes to…with all due respect to Theisman; Clint Malarchuk had a skate open his jugular vein in a hockey game in ’89. Blood jetted out onto the ice and several players actually threw up. Yes Wilhite’s leg spun 270 degrees and Rahman had a lump on his head that looked like a pulsating alien cocoon but Malarchuk nearly bled to death in front of 17,000 people.
Bet you can’t eat just one…Evander Holyfield still has the chunk missing from his ear courtesy of Mike Tyson. Who can forget Holyfield recoiling as Tyson chomped down on the cartilage, tearing a not-so-small piece out of the ear, and spitting it out onto the canvas? I guess we should feel lucky Tyson didn’t chew and swallow. This category is Tyson’s alone and as such he receives the Pile o’ Raw Meat awarded to such luminaries as Alfred Packer, Jeffrey Dahmer, and the Donner party.
My head won’t fit through the door…there are egos and then there are egos. Professional sports athletes naturally have to possess a lot of confidence but some go beyond the pale. This is a salute to the egomaniac in all of us. The nominees are…Terrell Owens, Barry Bonds, Kobe Bryant.
The Globe of World Dominance goes to…Barry Bonds has always fancied himself the next Willie Mays and Kobe did single-handedly orchestrate the departure of Shaq and Phil Jackson but Terrell Owens had the balls to call out his own quarterback after he was on the receiving end of nine catches for 132 yards in the Super Bowl. Now Owens is demanding a pay increase even though he stands to make over $7 million next season and is one of the highest paid receivers in football. When a man who plays the most dependant position in sports disses the man responsible for getting him the ball (as he did with Jeff Garcia & Donavan McNabb) you almost have to stand in admiration of the hubris necessary to bite the hand that feeds.
Delusions of adequacy…how many times have we seen over-hyped athletes burn out or not live up to the lofty heights predicted by others and themselves. So, to honor those who are woefully overrated we present the nominees…Derek Coleman, Keyshawn Johnson, Ryan Leaf.
The Fickle Finger of Fate goes to…Charles Barkley once said that Coleman was the most physically gifted basketball player he’d ever seen. The only thing that stood between Coleman and legendary status was that abscess that resides atop his neck.
Where’s the love?…some athletes fly under the radar yet have brilliant careers. Here’s to the underrated and forgotten…Curtis Martin, Steve McNair, Joe Sakic.
The Golden Thumbs Up, Way Up goes to…he’s compiled ten straight seasons of 1000+ yards and sits at forth all-time on the NFL rushing list. Only Emmett Smith, Barry Sanders, and Walter Payton have more career rushing yards than Curtis Martin. He is the ultimate warrior who’s been the most consistent back in football for ten years. All hale Curtis Martin and remember him for such unassuming athletes are rare indeed.
I’m Velvet Jones…athletes have been notorious for their off-the-field exploits and have hooked up more often than Warren Beatty and Benjamin Franklin combined. Only rock stars can match the carousing of professional athletes. The nominees for the biggest slut puppies are…Wilt Chamberlain, Magic Johnson, and Mike Tyson.
The Red Light goes to…Mike Tyson and Wilt are narrowly edged out by the Magic man. According to his team mates Magic got more ass than a driver’s seat in a rental car and nobody really believes Wilt shagged 10,000 women in his lifetime. Sadly Magic, as a result of his nefarious ways, contracted HIV and retired far too soon. The best ambassador the NBA ever had will always be remembered for his style on the court and his deeds of it as well. A melancholy salute to Magic…may he always have that electric smile.
Nonsense, it’s just a flesh wound…I dislocated a finger, broke two toes, and had torn rib cartilage playing rugby in high school. One night I got up to pee and kicked the corner of my dresser with the afore mentioned broken toes. Stars filled my head and I just sat there and whimpered for fifteen minutes cradling my throbbing foot with both hands and rocking back and forth. At that moment I developed deep respect for those that can suck it up and play through pain. The nominees for the most oblivious to pain are…Steve McNair, Ronnie Lott, Emmett Smith.
The Black Knight Statuette goes to…all you gotta know about the winner of this award is that when faced between the choice of having season ending surgery or having his pinky amputated Ronnie Lott chose to live life with nine fingers rather than miss playing time.
Push me shove you, oh yeah says who…sometimes a bench clearing brawl can be cathartic. We now honor the best sports brawl of all time…Pistons-Pacers ’04, Avalanche-Red Wings ’98 & ’99, Rangers-Bruins ’79.
The game was lopsided and things started getting chippy. As the clock wound down Rangers’ fans showered the ice with debris and started assaulting Boston’s Stan Jonathan. After that Jonathan’s teammates charged into the stands pummeling the Ranger faithful. The melee went on for nearly fifteen minutes and four fans were sent to jail. This little disagreement earns the Silver Spittoon.
Mind if we dance with your dates…there are just some men you shouldn’t trifle with. Since this award is so coveted we’ve expanded the field. The nominees are…Dick Butkus, Ty Domi, Lawrence Taylor, Ronnie Lott, Greg Lloyd, Steve Atwater, Ray Nitschke, Lyle Alzado.
Since this man is so bad he doesn’t get a trophy because he’d probably eat it. Lawrence Taylor was maybe the most feared athlete ever. In an interview John Elway said the only player he was genuinely afraid of was LT. More so than any defender ever offenses had to know where Taylor was at all times. His intensity bordered on maniacal and he’s the only player ever to need rabies shots at half time.
Butter fingers…sometimes watching a supposedly gifted athlete try to control the ball is like watching an epileptic eat Jell-O with chop sticks. In other words it’s just painful. The nominees for worst hands are…Mark Eaton, Danny Shayes, Garo Yepremian.
The Stone Hands Award goes to…as a life long Nuggets fan Danny Shayes was the bane of my existence throughout the 80’s. He shot lay-ups like he was throwing a shot put. His free throws were decent but the man’s hands were seemingly made out of granite.
Idiot sans savant…player interviews are generally the only opportunity for the athlete to put a face to the game. While most present themselves quite well others should NEVER open their big dumb mouths. The top dumbasses are…Mike Tyson, John Rocker, Freddie Mitchell.
The Village Idiot is, make your way to the podium, if you can find it…not only did Mitchell talk smack about the Patriots before the Super Bowl he then proceeded to diss Jacksonville, his own quarterback, Terrell Owens, and the Patriots (AGAIN) after having one catch for thirteen yards. His career stats-5 years, 90 catches, 1263 yards, 5 TD’s. News flash Freddie, Terrell gets those kinds of numbers in one season…in his sleep.
How did that happen?...while Lisa “Left Eye” Lopes was by no means ugly her temper wins this award for Worst Sports Wife hands down. Lopes burned down Andre Rison’s house in a fit of rage. Tragically the enigmatic Lopes died in a 2002 car wreck in Honduras. Rest in peace Left Eye.
Must be the money…with all that testosterone flowing through their veins you’d expect professional athletes to hook up with uber hotties. But some butt ass ugly guys have drop dead gorgeous better halves. Here’s the pick of the litter of fine women with freakin sasquatch-looking mates…Bridgette Wilson (Pete Sampras), Elsa Benitez (Ronnie Seikaly), Carmen Electra (Denis Rodman’s ex).
This is a flat-footed tie. All three nominees will receive the coveted Bronze Yeti for their devotion to the ugly man in their lives.
You need the Heimlich…we’ve all seen the mind numbing collapse of many an athlete. So here are the nominees who’ve gagged when the pressure is on…Greg Norman, New York Yankees, Jean Van De Velde.
The Fist to the Sternum goes to…this is a team award. The Yankees were up 3-0 in the ALCS. They had just won Game 3 by a score of 19-8. The Sox were all but finished. Then the unthinkable happened. Boston won Game 4 to prolong the inevitable. Then they won Game 5 and the series stood 3-2. You could see the look on the Yankees’ faces as David Ortiz ended the 14 inning marathon that was Game 5. Then the Yankees dropped Game 6 as Boston’s Curt Schilling bled and dazzled. At this point the Yankees looked as if they were in the midst of an out-of-body experience. Game 7 saw the Red Sox exorcise 86 years worth of demons. This was a choke job for the ages. You have to go back to biblical days when Goliath gagged against David to find a collapse this epic in proportion.
Oh shit!...ever been caught with your hand in the cookie jar? It happens to the best of us so it stands to reason even athletes have the occasional lapse in judgment. The nominees for biggest brain fart are…Carmelo Anthony, Eugene Robinson, Ray Lewis.
The Golden Queef goes to…not only did he get busted soliciting a prostitute he did it the night before the Super Bowl. To compound matters he was playing the very team he called “not that good” in the previous Super Bowl. By the way, Eugene Robinson was on the losing side two years in a row. Oops.
Bring us a shrubbery…there’s really only one worthy candidate in this award. Just for future reference all you sports officials, if you’re going to strike at least come to the table with one bargaining chip. I laughed my ass off when the umpires from MLB and the refs from the NBA actually went on strike. They bellied up to the table with no chips, a pair of twos, and egg on their collective faces then they proceeded to demand better pay & working conditions. All the observers issued a collective “Huh?” This is truly the most ridiculous demand in sports history.
Hatfield vs. McCoy…face it, we all love a good blood bath and nothing produces the unmitigated carnage of a heated rivalry. The nominees for best rivalry are…Alabama-Auburn, Michigan-Ohio State, Army-Navy.
The Bloody Band-Aid goes to…college football has spawned arguably the five best rivalries in sports and the annual grudge matches that are Miami-Florida State and Texas-Oklahoma aren’t even nominated. For sheer hatred and animosity Alabama-Auburn is the nastiest rivalry ever. Only the acrimony between France & Germany can compare. Fights between the respective schools’ pep squads are common and both teams have an insane loathing of one another.
Honorable mention to the Pakistan-India cricket matches. Both countries literally shut down when this series is played. The political tension just ads fuel to the fire of the ugliest international rivalry in the world.
Two men enter, one man leaves…when there is ill will on a personal level it just ads spice to the mix. Here are the nominees for best personal rivalry…Ali-Frazier, Borg-McEnroe, Kobe-Shaq.
The Golden Middle Finger goes to…these two men genuinely despise each other and have since the Diesel went to LA. Kobe has leveled vicious smears towards Shaq and Shaq has responded in kind. The fact they won three NBA titles is a testament to their talent, not their team work.
The show’s running over so good night.
From Beijing to DC
This could get ugly. From the Washington Post...
There's no way in Hell the United States government can let this deal go through. That said I'll be extremely interested to see if the stockholders of UNOCAL put patriotism and national security over the $2 BILLION net gain from the bid made by CNOOC. With oil at $60 a barrel and predictions that gas may climb to $3 a gallon by summer's end we need to be fiercely protective of our own oil reserves. I fully anticipate a nice proxy bloodbath over this one.
China has proven to be a formidable economic adversary but it's their militaristic and dogmatic approach to foreign affairs that frightens the bejesus outta me. They'd just as soon shoot first as negotiate. And if they attempt to seize Taiwan the shit's really gonna hit the fan. Between China and N. Korea this country has its work cut out for it in SE Asia. According to the CIA fact book China has over 13 MILLION males reach military age anually and their total manpower availability (males 18-45) is over 340 MILLION. We need to arm Japan and S. Korea to the freakin' teeth.
SHANGHAI, July 4 -- The Chinese government on Monday sharply criticized the United States for threatening to erect barriers aimed at preventing the attempted takeover of the American oil company Unocal Corp. by one of China's three largest energy firms, CNOOC Ltd.
Four days after the House of Representatives overwhelmingly approved a resolution urging the Bush administration to block the proposed transaction as a threat to national security, China's Foreign Ministry excoriated Congress for injecting politics into what it characterized as a standard business matter.
"We demand that the U.S. Congress correct its mistaken ways of
politicizing economic and trade issues and stop interfering in the normal commercial exchanges between enterprises of the two countries," the Foreign Ministry said in a written statement. "CNOOC's bid to take over the U.S. Unocal company is a normal commercial activity between enterprises and should not fall
victim to political interference. The development of economic and trade cooperation between China and the United States conforms to the interests of both sides."
Those words, the latest rhetorical volley in an escalating trade
battle, officially elevated the takeover battle for Unocal into a bilateral
issue involving Washington and Beijing, raising the stakes of the outcome.
CNOOC's bid comes as China's emerging force in the global economy
continues to sow international tensions over competition for natural resources, impacts on the environment, trade balances and security relationships. The deal would be the latest in a string of Chinese purchases of foreign companies as Beijing encourages domestic firms to seek new markets abroad and secure raw materials for China's aggressive industrialization. The Chinese government has
urged energy companies in particular to buy foreign oil fields as China's consumption soars, deepening worries about the country's access to supplies.
Already, CNOOC's bid has taken China across a new threshold: It has
unleashed the first takeover battle between a Chinese company and a U.S. firm, the oil giant Chevron Corp., which has its own deal to buy Unocal, for $16.5 billion. If completed, CNOOC's purchase -- its bid is for $18.5 billion -- would be the largest foreign takeover ever made by a Chinese firm.
But as the price of oil continues to soar, underscoring the finite
supply of global stocks, some members of Congress portray China's appetite for energy as a threat to U.S. interests. They are painting CNOOC's effort to buy Unocal as an attempt to siphon off oil that would otherwise land in the United States, a proposition that analysts call dubious because most of Unocal's outstanding contracts supply customers in Asia...
There's no way in Hell the United States government can let this deal go through. That said I'll be extremely interested to see if the stockholders of UNOCAL put patriotism and national security over the $2 BILLION net gain from the bid made by CNOOC. With oil at $60 a barrel and predictions that gas may climb to $3 a gallon by summer's end we need to be fiercely protective of our own oil reserves. I fully anticipate a nice proxy bloodbath over this one.
China has proven to be a formidable economic adversary but it's their militaristic and dogmatic approach to foreign affairs that frightens the bejesus outta me. They'd just as soon shoot first as negotiate. And if they attempt to seize Taiwan the shit's really gonna hit the fan. Between China and N. Korea this country has its work cut out for it in SE Asia. According to the CIA fact book China has over 13 MILLION males reach military age anually and their total manpower availability (males 18-45) is over 340 MILLION. We need to arm Japan and S. Korea to the freakin' teeth.
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